Getting better

Thank you for listening to me wail & most of all for praying! We could not have made it without prayers! Eddie & I both are doing good considering. Even though we only "knew" for sure for a week that we were expecting, it was hard for a few days but has gotten alittle easier to look ahead now. I went to the Dr & my hCG was 43 so alot lower & heading where it needs to be (weird to say that). Now it's a matter of seeing how long it takes for my body to heal & hope/pray will work right again...after all it did take almost 3 years to get this first "positive". So we're praying & striving for stable blood sugars, exercise & for my body to work like it's supposed to. Hopefully it won't take long to announce that we're expecting a "keeper"! Please keep praying!

Woe is me...warning

I don't know where to "start" so this is probably going to be a rambling, whiney mess when it's all said & done. This is more of a venting for me so if you don't want to continue reading, I won't be offended in the least...
I never dreamed "I" would be one to have a miscarriage..."Why not me??"
After all I had Matthew with no problems..."Every pregnancy is different..."
We have prayed for 3 years to have a baby. It happened & suddenly was gone. Why??...God has a Plan for our lives...
This week has been one of the hardest weeks I think I've ever been thru. Eddie will agree, I'm sure. We're trying so hard to keep our Faith strong & not waver. Some days that's easy & some days it's not.
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I feel like a failure at times. I don't think I completely blame myself for losing the "baby"/pregnancy (if there was even a baby & not a blighted ovum or something)...See, we'll never know if there was a baby or if it would've been a baby...or if I'm mourning something that wasn't there in the first place...I guess if there was a baby, we'll "see" it in Heaven...??? I do feel "comfortable" for what it's worth to say I had a miscarriage because I was pregnant, according to blood tests, the way I felt & physical changes I was starting to go thru. So my hormones call it a "baby"...here again, something we've been praying for 3 years now...
What else could I have done different to make it happen...was it all "meant to be"?? God's Plan???
Ok, we learned some "stuff" thru all this...I remember thinking (since I'd never had a miscarriage before that I know of) atleast if I could GET pregnant, then we'd know it CAN happen...with my PCOS, "diabetes", obesity, etc. It would help us confirm what we already knew about Eddie's surgery being successful. I guess I didn't realize how "bad" it would be to actually go thru the m/c just to see that it CAN happen & hope that we'll be able to get pregnant again. It's not that I wished for a m/c, don't get me wrong...I was just desperate to see if it would EVER happen...not thinking I would "lose it".
We also believe that getting my blood sugars under control was a huge factor. I had been on major doses of Glucophage with little effect. Dr put me on Amaryl, I buckled down. I went from 8.8 (where I thought he was going to put me on insulin) to 5.9 (considered non-diabetic level) in 3 months. I was so proud & he gave me an "A+" that visit even though I'd only lost 4 pounds. It wasn't long after that, we found out I was pregnant & were elated. So I went back to the Dr for confirmation.
So many "what if's" going thru my head...What if it's in my tube? What if it's a blighted ovum? What if we tell the world & have to go back & untell it??? What if we lose what we've been praying for all this time???
I stopped taking the extra "vitamins" (Chromium, vit C, B12, vit D, etc) & kept taking the prenatal vitamins. I did keep using the "hormone balancing cream" from Arbonne in hopes it would help keep progesterone high. Dr changed my BP medicine to Aldomet since I was on Lisinopril. I was facing the possibility of being put on insulin if my blood sugars didn't stay stable, but I wasn't afraid of that. This past Friday would have been the Dr visit with the OB to discuss that possibility. Instead this past Friday was spent coping with major cramping, nausea & bl++ding that picked back up to being like a period. Another question: Is this coming from the "site" of implantation or is this the lining being shed as in my period?? Who knows?? When will my body be back to normal?? I really don't want to have to wait "4-6 weeks" to "try again"...Yes, that would probably be the "best for my body" to give it time to "heal" but I feel like it's my mind that needs to "heal" the most..."Healing" my mind would mean (to me) being pregnant, having a normal, uncomplicated pregnancy & delivering a baby mid-January like we thought would happen! "Who's" plan was this anyway?? "Who's" fault is it that this happened?? We even PRAYED for an uneventful pregnancy...We PRAYED over our baby after we knew it was there for God to "knit it perfectly" in my womb...We PRAYED before we even conceived for the baby we KNOW God is going to give us.
Ok, another thing that was brought to our attention was my progesterone level was a low 6.1 the same day my pregnancy hormone (hCG) had doubled to 920...I had the bloodwork drawn on Friday, got these results on Monday. Another question, what if I'd had the blood work drawn at the hospital, gotten "faster" results...would getting progesterone supplementation saved our "baby"?? Would it have prolonged the inevitable? So now I'm involved with my OB Dr...if/when I get pregnant again, I will surely be more aggressive at getting tests, meds, etc to prevent this from happening again. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. It took this long to be "sure" I ovulated. It was almost text book. I can't wait another 3 years. I just don't have that much time.
It's not just the physical...dealing with a period I hoped I wouldn't have for awhile. It's not "just" losing a pregnancy whether there was a baby there or not. It's not just that I was looking forward to "being" pregnant & now I'm not. It's not just that I was looking forward to me, Eddie, & Matthew & extended family bonding with the baby before he or she even got here. It's not just dealing with the tears & not believing how unfair this whole thing is. It's all one big issue wrapped up into one & having to deal with it because that's what we were dealt.
It's one thing when the housework gets left undone because I've been too tired to fool with it but that was when I was pregnant. Now it's not getting done because I'm cramping & feel like I'm bleeding like I'm a stuck pig. It was "funny" when I'd "forget" something or become the absent minded pregnant woman, oh so quickly but now feel like a failure because I don't have the "excuse" anymore. The house is DIRTY, the laundry is undone, the trash needs hauled off, the grass needs cut, I've missed a weeks worth of work & our money is stretched to the max...Our stress level is maxed. Matthew doesn't understand & is affected too...I/we all need a break from all of this! I just don't know how much more I can take.
I guess since I'm not going to be pregnant right now, I really want my body to not hold me back so I can get back to normal. I'm ready for the sensitivities (physical & mental) to be GONE. I've tried to push thru, trying to catch up on laundry & housework when I found out my hCG had dropped to 600 Tuesday...knowing there was nothing there to "take it easy" for. I did ok with that til Friday...I truely believe my levels were starting to drop even more, picturing it like I was going in reverse from getting pregnant to being "un-pregnant"...
Well I'm a pleasure to be around right now as you can tell. I think I will go crawl under the bed & hope I can get back out tomorrow morning so I can go get "stuck" again at the hospital lab, so the Dr can make sure my hCG ISN'T high anymore. It's not supposed to be going this way... Then I get to go work/play with Sadie. I think I "need" her. Hopefully the bl++ding will slow down so I can enjoy my time with her. Then I have a Dr's appt to "talk" to about getting pregnant again. I'll have to retell a different Dr that we can't possibly afford a Reproductive Endocrinologist so we need all the help they can give us. Then we will start the process all over again of hoping, praying (not that we've stopped), me watching for signs that I could be "ready", peeing on a stick, holding my breath waiting for another "positive" & worrying we could go thru all this AGAIN! I think I'd almost rather be one of the ones who goes thru the whole pregnancy "Not knowing" they were pregnant. It would be alot 'easier'!

Our rough patch

Wow, it's been awhile since I've blogged. It's been a fairly busy time & blogging just hasn't been first on the list when it comes to sitting & relaxing.
We had some excitement this month. The Monday after Mother's Day I had a positive pregnancy test!!! The first one in 11 years (3 years of trying). I had several tests to make sure everything was going ok. We were getting used to the idea that we were FINALLY going to have a baby! Well, I got test results the following Monday that were good as far as the pregnancy hormone but progesterone was a low 6.1...It was strange but within the next hour, I started cramping, bleeding & crying. Thankfully Eddie was home with me & we know the Lord was holding us as we went thru that time. The pain was something I've never experienced before even with having bad periods all my life. I got in bed in hopes that it would stop...praying the whole time that it would stop...It was "over" within a short period of time but our hearts were broken. We are so thankful for the prayers of our families & friends that were prayed during that time.
We haven't lost Faith or Hope. We will try again. We know God will grant this petition for the child we have prayed for.

How Awesome is our God...

We got to witness God's beautiful creation this weekend in Bryson City, Cherokee & everything in between on our trip to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary this weekend. We are Thankful for God Blessing us with a beautiful opportunity, wonderful weather, traveling mercies, a renewing of our love for each other, fabulous fun just being together, the opportunity to see with our own eyes the Lord's handiwork of the mountains, valleys & even SNOW!!
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I hope to post pictures soon so bear with me! Matthew stayed with my parents for alittle spoiling while we were gone. We left Friday morning, stopping for food & gas & up the mountain we went! Yay! We both LOVE the mountains so much & it always amazes us to see how majestic they are.
Bryson City is a sweet little town & not far from Cherokee with wonderful winding river(s) & surrounded by mountains. We made our way to our cabin, enjoying the scenery & getting to check the tail lights of our own vehicle in the hairpin turns. =) The cabin was in the middle of two others & only a few other homes/cabins on the same road. So it was peacefully quiet. We were overlooking a small pond that had 2 ducks living there. Our front porch had 2 rocking chairs (I've GOTTA get me one!) & another outdoor table, chairs & a grill. Inside we had 2 bedrooms, one had 2 twin beds & our's was a queen, I think. Once you get used to a kingsize bed, everything else is just too small...LOL...but it was nice to have 2 bathrooms & large kitchen area connected to the living area. Oh, I can't forget the hot tub that was on the side porch!! Glorious!!! Even though it was cold out, we did indulge! WOOHOO! I 'need' one of them too!!
Saturday morning we had our coffee & headed to Cherokee. The trip even to there was the most amazing blessing to our eyes. We found a quaint little mom & pop type waffle house to have a late breakfast. It was nice & then I drug Eddie thru some of the shops for some souvenirs. Poor guy. I think he enjoyed it pretty good but atleast he was a good sport about it. After alittle shopping, we made our way to Harrah's casino. We had set aside a certain amount of money, agreeing that when that was gone we were outta there. I had never been there before & Eddie hadn't been to the one in Cherokee. It was packed but still seemed to have plenty of machines to play on! Thankfully there was a shuttle bus to ride on or we would've been worn out before we got to the building. The place was HUGE & so was the parking lot. I don't think I've ever been anywhere they had valet parking but Harrah's did. Of course we didn't use it, but I thought it was neat.
You have to be 21 to enter, have a valid I.D. to even get in the doors. There were some security staff as you walked in "carding" everybody. I was almost offended when the little (older) guy waved Eddie & I on thru...I even had my license ready! Oh well! We had so much fun playing side-by-side at the various machines, sometimes holding hands (awww!) for support/good luck...not really since we don't believe in 'luck'. There they have self serve (free) soft drinks which was cool. As Eddie says, they're making money hand over fist so they're not hurting by giving free drinks. =) We spent our allotted money, & won it back in a longer amount of time than we expected. Then we had supper at the buffet they have there. It was nice to have that time together. After that, we went back to play alittle more, making our day of fun last from about 2p-9p. We broke even & were proud of ourselves for not going over the amount we had decided to spend.
We were tired but made our way back to the cabin, slowly since it was dark. The hot tub was calling our names so we enjoyed the rest of the evening together. It wasn't as cold as we expected. Sunday morning proved to be a bitter cold one. As we were getting up for coffee, we looked out and it was SNOWING! Big beautiful flakes in a flurry!! We had some breakfast as we watched out the window enjoying the snow. We started packing, getting faster as we went since the snow was not letting up but getting heavier. I wish we could've stayed to see how much the area would get but we knew we needed to get out while the gettin' was good...The roads weren't bad yet but with all the curves & mountainous terrain we didn't want to take any chances. On our way out, we fed the ducks our left over bread & headed out. How bittersweet to know our time together was coming to an end.
Once we got down 'our' mountain, Eddie surprised me by asking where I wanted to go next. I was prepared (mentally) to make our way back to the interstate but he was willing to go back to Cherokee for alittle last minute souvenir shopping & site seeing. I teased him about going back to Harrah's "one more time" but he surprisingly said No. LOL! Instead I asked to go back to the main 'drag' where the shops were & he obliged me. We ran across a petting/bear "zoo" that we'd seen Saturday so we stopped in. There were several bears (silver tipped grizzlies,& native black bears), a couple raccoons, 2 tigers, several goats & a couple other animals I can't remember. We did alittle gift shop hopping & went into this cool shop that had all kinds of true "Indian" merchandise like the dream-catchers, drums, jewelry, baskets, etc. Since we had gotten several things for several people (kids & Eddie) it was my turn! WOOHOO! I don't jewelry shop much but when given the 'ok' to shop for myself, I do enjoy it. I spotted some handmade beaded earrings & glanced over into the jewelry case...there were the prettiest silver dream catcher earrings I'd ever seen! I saw the price tag & thought I'd continue looking at the original ones I'd been looking at. Eddie liked the silver ones too & we found out the price was for a "set" that included a choker type necklace. I'm not really built for "chokers" but the sales-lady pulled out more to chose from that weren't on display. She was telling us how we could lengthen the necklace to suit me. Eddie told her we would be getting a set because he thought they were pretty & he wanted me to have them. So I took my treasures & we headed back out. Oh I also got a dream catcher to hang on the rear view mirror, even though we won't be sleeping while driving...it's just I've always loved dream catchers. The jewelry is special to me because it serves as a reminder of our special trip but Eddie helped pick it out & wanted me to have it, which was even more special to me. Now I just need to have an outfit to go with it. Then I will be his "Indian Princess" (his words...) HeHe!
We've had special times together but this was a very memorable trip for us. We intend on trying to make it a tradition & we are looking forward to next time. I love you, Eddie! I'm so thankful for you! You mean the world to me! I'd marry you again right this second! Happy Anniversary to us!